Wrench

I want to speak with the medium of my pain.
The same heart God made me smile with.
The same arms that pressed into me
With love
With hope
With trust.

I feel like a killer
A murderer who has destroyed another life
Just by smothering it
With poison
With guilt
With trust.

It didn’t take long. Pain has written again
A powerful orchestra, exploding from my chest
Silently pulsing, throbbing
With nostalgia
With disappointment
With resilience.

I look to my Father, He’s the best
At comforting me, reminding me who I am
What this world is, a game;
Of worship
Of ends
Of resilience.

I have but these words, my expression
Of the tiny storm that churns within me
I understand heartbreak, and guilt.
I will thicken just a bit more
Just to bear this weight,
As I endeavor to rest on my Father,
With trust;
As I endeavor to get up and keep loving,
Resilient.

I will blink back the tears
Smile away any fears
I will squeeze my heart free
Of this pain.
I will love the hand whose blade
Sits in my torso
Just beyond my fingers
Whispering to my heart,
‘Bleed…bleed.’